Puppies!

This cheered me up today. I got to hold one of my friends puppies. This little one, came up and wanted to sit on my lap. If I could I'd have her, but having gone through it last year and finding out how hard it is, and also with having just bought new leather furniture, it's a no no! LOL.

My Xmas/ New year Message

This year has been one of some up and downs for me. It had a lot of positives, as well as some negatives. Like getting a puppy and only realizing it wasn't for us and having to give her up was awful. It was a very painful lesson.

But the worst lesson of all was my father dying this month, and not being able to say goodbye to him, because we had fallen out.

I've learnt so much out of this, and basically I am reaching out to all those who still have both their parents with them, and even those who only have one of them.

Any squabbles you have mean nothing. It's not until you can't say goodbye that you realize this.

So please, if you are lucky enough to have one or both of your parents here, pick up the phone and call them or even better visit them. Tell them how much you love them, because one day it could be too late.

Material things don't mean a thing in life, it's the people in your life that count. Every second of every minute you spend with them should be cherished.

Remember, your parents are human too, and they will make mistakes, they're just living day by day just as you are. They don't know everything, and they may be wiser than you, but sometimes things can get in the way, and they can become hurt too, and do things that cause walls to be built.

You can tear those walls down, and the only way to do this is through love, and realizing we all make mistakes.

Thankfully I still have my mum with me, and there is no way I will ever let her go.

Funeral on Friday

Friday is dads funeral, and I still can't believe he's gone. I can see him in my mind clearly, every detail of his face.

Last night I couldn't sleep, and when I closed my eyes I could see him looking out of a window (like a shop window) and he was surrounded by lights. I called to him and he turned and looked at me, and he looked sad, but said nothing, he turned away. Then a huge bright light covered him and he was gone.

I miss him so much, but lately I feel so angry inside, because of how his life was, and how it should have been. I wish he was here to hug, but he isn't. I'm angry with myself for not taking the chance I was given, and I'm angry at my step mum for not doing the decent thing by contacting us before he died. Not just for us, but for dad.

I am not looking forward to Friday, and seeing my step mum is going to be so hard. I will want to have my say, but I will have to hold my tongue. My dad will have a peaceful funeral and after this it will be time to move forward.

Let Love Lead You Always...

If you are lucky enough to still have both your parents with you. Then I ask you to please today, and make sure it is today, go and hug them, and tell them you love them. If you can't visit them, then pick up your phone and call them. If you're the type of person who gets embarrassed by doing this, please put your embarrassment away and just make the call, that visit.

My father died on 1st December 2007, it's been just 7 days since he has passed, and I am devastated. I didn't tell my dad those three important words, and I know now that I should have.
We had a rocky relationship for 20 years, and we just didn't see eye to eye. How stupid I was to let things of the past over rule my mind, and not love.

I should have acted with love and I should have always let love be my guide. But I didn't.
It's not until your parents have passed that you realise just how much they mean to you, and it's then you realise your squabbles meant nothing.

If you're currently having any differences with your parents, please put them aside. I don't want anyone to go through what me and my sisters are going through right now. It is heart breaking and so devastating. No one is perfect, your parents are people making their way on earth, just like you. They make mistakes too, and just because they're your parents, it doesn't mean they won't.

To end this, I want to say. I'm so sorry dad, and I love you with all my heart. I just wish things had been different. They say you shouldn't have regrets, but I will always regret not making up with you. Your Marge.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In Loving Memory of Dad. 1938-2007

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.



Author - Mary Elizabeth Frye

Sadly our dad passed away Saturday 1st December.
We miss and love you so much Dad.

Marge, Jess, Vaness & Jon.
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Monday

Today is the start of my second week at work. This morning I was a lot more confident and felt more a part of the team there. I really do enjoy my job, and kind of wish I had gone back to work ages ago. I work really hard and although it's only part time, having to get up at 4am really makes me tired throughout the day, even if I have a nap. But when it comes to going back in the afternoon, the walk to the school builds my energy up again.

I'm considering getting another job soon, to fit into the hours I have free at home during the week. I'm going to give it a few weeks before I start searching, so I can find my way in the job I'm in atm. Hubby asked me to wait and settle down first in this one, so that's what I'm doing. Getting up at 4am is really hard for me atm, if it wasn't for the fact that hubby has to get up at that time too, I'd turn over and go back to sleep.

Reading has really taken a back seat with me atm, I'm hardly reading at all. I'm not even sure I can complete the 'something about me challenge' that I posted about on my book blog. But it is going till December, so may be I'll fit some in somewhere. But I'm not going to pressure myself about it. I'm just reading now and then.

Madonna

I just wanted to say here, that I kind of owe Madonna for helping me back to work (as well as my family and friends). If it wasn't for her new album Confessions on the dance floor, I'm not sure I'd be back at work 'right now'. Listening to certain songs on her album, gave me the confidence and the dream to get back to work. Her songs Issac, Jump & Push, filled me with so much desire, need and confidence to go back to work. They drove me on to do just that.

They had messages within them that spoke to me and meant something. I will carry on listening to them to give me more confidence to face the things I find difficult in work, and to find another job. :)

A Little Cutie!!!!

This is two pictures of my Sister In-laws dog. He is so cute and looks like a ball of wall. His name is Jazz and he's adorable!!

Opticians

I have an appointment with the Optician tomorrow. Jess convinced me to go and make an appointment for an eye test, as she went and had one as she was suffering with Migraines for a while, and it turns out she needs glasses when she reads and is at the PC.

I don't get headaches, but at times when I read I can feel my eyes straining and I end up squinting sometimes.

Hopefully I won't need any glasses, but if I do I don't mind. I can just tell everyone I went to Spec Savers! LOL.

A Levels Exam Results

Both my two eldest boys had to pick up their A level exam results yesterday.
Alex whose 18, has just left college and passed his A level results and has now been accepted into University. He's going to attend the Greenwich University and study Computing and Games Software.

Jim whose 17, failed his A level results, and is going to re-take his studies at college. He's going to re-study P.E & Biology. He is keeping the option open to be a Fire fighter. I hope this is a dream he creates. But he's not 100% sure what he wants to do yet.

I think they're both lucky to have this opportunity to go to college and Uni. If I knew what I know now back then, I would have done the same.

A Nice Evening ......

Hubby & I were all set out to go to Hastings tonight to see Joe, Jess, Jeff & Sophie. But just before we got on the motor way, the traffic report on the radio said there was a 10 mile trail back of traffic jam on the M25. So we had to turn around and go home. We were both so disappointed as we were really looking forward to seeing them and having an evening out.

I knew there must be a reason why, other than the traffic jam. The Universe always has a reason why. Anyway at 4 pm, my hubby's mum and sister Corrie turns up. It was a lovely surprise. Corrie brought her dog Jazz with her, and so I had loads of fun with him, as he's so cute. Also it helped with some of the healing of not having Amber anymore.

I got to learn that my sister in-law, loves to read. She's a bookaholic! So I gave her 3 books of authors she hasn't tried yet. I gave her Priestess of the White by Trudi Canavan, I was planning to re-read it, but I didn't like it the first time round, and she said she loved fantasy, so I thought the book should go to a good home of someone who may appreciate it more. I also gave her Jodi Picoult - Plain Truth, it's another book I didn't enjoy but loads of other people love her books. It's just not for me though. I also gave her Good In bed by Jennifer Weiner. This is a brilliant book, and every woman should read it. It's just sitting on my shelf so that's why I gave it to her.

Now I know Jess, may say hey you haven't given me any, well I have some books Jess may want too. ;)

Amber & Me

I shouldn't really been doing this, but I wanted to post a pic of Amber and me, when we had her. This pic was taken in April of this year. I really miss her, and part of me does regret that we found her a new home. I know she's not far and I know she went to great people. But I miss all those happy and fun times we had with her. I know hubby & I made the right decision as we both felt we couldn't cope with her, as the stress was just taking over. It may be because we had a bad start off with her, as she was ill that caused us to worry so much. Other people don't seem or at least to us, don't seem to worry so much about their pets, may be it's just that we found it hard to fit into the routine with Amber? But Amber completely turned our lives upside down. I regret that I didn't look into it more than I did, all I thought of was that 'I' wanted a puppy. Hubby didn't but he still got her for me. We often say, may be if we never had had a bad start off with her, we may have kept her? But we can't keep saying what if? After all we made our decision.

The thing I miss the most is the walks with her, Joe misses her loads and I was angry with myself for a while for breaking his heart. I still am angry at times. I'm also angry that we put Amber through that of having to go to a new home. I know on the day she left she loved the new owner she was going to, and was so excited he was taking her out. We were supposed to keep her when we got her, but we tried really hard.

I don't know why I'm saying all this? I just felt like writing it down.

Basically if 'you're' looking for a puppy, don't do what I did. Make sure that 'everyone' in the family wants one first. If you've had children, then you'll know what it's like to be looking after a little one 24/7. It is HARD WORK, it's not all about fluffy little puppies running around. There's vet bills, and not to mention the extra cost of having to feed the puppy and getting every thing he/she needs. Puppies need a lot of attention, love and care. Don't be ignorant to these facts like I was. I come under the category of those irresponsible people who get puppies and think it'll all be easy! It's not!!! Although I did loads of research before we got her, I obviously didn't do enough and I went in with my eyes closed and focused too much on the negative.

A Week with out Joe.

OMG, I'm sitting here crying. My youngest son Joe has just left with my sister & her hubby and daughter to go to Hastings for a week. It's the first time Joe will have been away for a week, and I am so going to miss him. But I know he's going to be so busy he won't miss me. I don't know what came over me? As I didn't think I'd cry. But as they left and was out of the door the tears started to come. I shut the door after waving them goodbye and ran upstairs as I didn't want my eldest boys and hubby to see me crying.

I'm OK now, the tears are stopping. I don't know how I'll cope when all my boys fly the nest.
Silly me I know.

My Mate Kim.

I spent the afternoon with my mate today, we've known each other for about 11 years now. She's my one and only friend I have in 'real' life. I don't make friends easily, as I'm not confident like that. It stems from my school days. I was always the odd one out, the quiet one and the one who never got picked for team play outs on Rounders etc. I never felt like I fitted in at school, and I've sort of grown up and find it hard to join in with other people. I get worried that if I made new friends, they'd expect too much from me, more than I can give, as I'm kind of a solitary person. When someone does want to talk to me, I sort of feel like 'Why do they want to talk to me?' Because of this and because I don't join in with discussions and find it hard to walk up to people and chat, I have been told I come across as aloof. I really don't mean to be like this, it's just my low self esteem. In my own home and around my family I have tons of confidence, it's just other areas when it comes to talking to others that I have a problem. That's one of the reasons I like the Net as I can open up and be myself, without having to talk face to face with anyone. Anyway enough of that.....

My mate has two Staff's, they're cute dogs but when they first see you they go mental! I have yet another two scratches that are turning into bruises on my arm. Storm and Brandy are their names and my mate wants to breed them, I think she's crazy!!!!!!
We took them for a walk today and I could see in some people's faces they were worried about walking past us. There has been some bad press in the papers about Staff's and I am weary myself, not just about my mates dogs, but I am weary of all dogs. Even my puppy when we had her. I have this little fear about dogs, due to my hubby's dog when I first met him, who didn't like me! I'm not as scared now, but it's always on my mind.

I kind of feel sorry for my mate, because as long as I've known her she's been on her own. She's had to bring up her two children on her own, with hardly any help from her ex. Now she's going through the teenage thing with her 17 year old son, and where it's easier for me, because I have hubby to back me up, she has no one. So she's really having a bit of a rough time atm. I listen and try to give some advice, but she has to do what she feels is right. It's easy for me to tell her to do this and do that, when I go home to hubby.

One of the things I like about my mate is she always asks me for a reading, but she takes them too seriously, although I do tell her not to, they're only meant as inspiration. No cards can tell her, her future, they only guide to bring positive actions and inspiration into your life.

My mate has been a good mate to me, there have been some rocky times. But we've stayed friends throughout. I couldn't imagine not having her friendship. I think she's in my life to teach me not to be judge mental, and I'm in her life to teach her there is life after death. As she's terrified of dying. But we're also in each others life to give each other support and friendship.

More Pics!!

OK so I'm totally embarrassing myself now, but I don't care! LOL.

Here's some pics of me when I was small. The top two are of when I was a baby, and on one I'm sitting on my aunts lap. The bottom left is my Nursery photo and the bottom right, I'm pre-nursery age with my brother John.

Me With Long Hair!

I thought I'd add this pic here. It's me back in 1997. Before I knew about PC's and when my hair was beautiful and long!!! Oh I Miss it, if only back then I knew how gorgeous my hair was. *Sigh*

Btw I was drunk in this pic, that's why I'm posing like a tart! LOL.

It's Over!!

The Harry Potter series is over, well sort of as I can always re-read the books again which I plan to do over and over again. I do plan to re-read all my books, including The Priestess of the White by Trudi Canavan & To Kill A Mocking Bird by Harper Lee, which I hated. But I've read books before and disliked them only to like them when I give them another go.

Atm I've had a headache these past four days in which I read Harry Potter non stop. I was going to take a rest from reading but now I'm reading HP & the Prisoner of Azkaban. I guess I'm just addicted to reading. But no doubt soon I'll be taking time out as that's how it goes.

The kids have broken up for Summer, Joe goes away with his auntie, uncle and cousin to Hasting for a week in August. He's really looking forward to that.

I'm hoping to be working from September, I'm so bored at home now.

18 year olds. ARRRHHHHHH!

Friday evening, my eldest son Alex went out to the pub with his mates. We hate it when he goes to the pub as it has caused problems, as he thinks it's so macho to drink. I compromised and said I'd wait up till 12am for him, but of course this wasn't good enough, as he said he would be out longer than that. He told me not to wait up, I warned him the door would be locked after 12am and that if he wasn't back by then he had better make arrangements to sleep at a friends house. So 11pm comes around and I text him to warn him I'll be going to bed soon and that I'll be locking up. So he texts me back, saying he's 18 and why am I doing this? He asks me not to lock the door. After a few text's, he decided to make his way home, not wanting to go to a friends that night.

Well, when he got in he was so drunk he could hardly stand, he was swaying all over the place and it was so clear on his face that he was just about 'here'. He started babbling about how we're too over protective etc, and I told him while he goes to the pub, I will always wait up for him and expect him home by 12am. (for some reason he wants to stay out till 2am! or longer!) Because of the things that happen in the world today, like kids getting stabbed for no reason these days, plus he can't drink sensibly we want him home at a decent hour so we know he's safe. There's also the issue from personal experience, as his dad was attacked with knives when he was just 20 for no reason, just because a bunch of idiots wanted someone to pick on, his dad is lucky he survived. So hubby has this on his mind and wants Alex to be safe. As parents it's our responsibility to keep him safe.

Anyway, after Alex has his little rant, he goes straight up stairs to bed......... And yes you guessed it, throws up all over his floor!!!! So I made him clean it up, there was no way I was touching it. Through coaching him, he got it all cleaned up in between him falling sleep, he had a rough night after that and spent Saturday with a rather nasty hang over HAHA!

I dread the next time he wants to go to the pub, which seems to be every Friday night now. I know we can't protect him all the time and if he wasn't going to the pub, I wouldn't have to wait up all the time. But he can't see that's it's just because we love him. He said his friends parents aren't like this, but like I said to him I don't give a stuff about them, I care about him. I care enough about him to want to make sure he's home safely, so I will be waiting up for him for as long as it takes for him to get out of this 'I must get drunk at the pub stage!'

Today - 17th July 2007

I had a lovely afternoon with my sister and niece today. I blow dried my niece's hair and then we sat and did two puzzles together, after that we read together. She is so bright she learnt quickly what certain words were. She's like an old soul in a young body.

My sister made me the most amazing lunch! It was a fruit Salad with Avocado (which I hadn't tried before) apple, sultanas, orange and walnuts. It was so delicious.

I can see Sophie (my niece) in years to come as a young lady, and I know she's going to make everyone proud, she already does. Saturday I am going to see her on stage doing her ballet dancing and tap dancing. I am really looking forward to that.

It was one of my neighbours funeral today, he was an elderly man and he found out in October that he had Cancer, and it quickly spread to the rest of his body. He leaves a wife, and a grown up family. I didn't really know him, only to say hello, yet when I see the hearse today there was a lump in my throat, I think I will miss seeing him. Although I didn't know him well, it was normal to see him outside doing his car and pottering about. Things like this, always make you wish you got to know people better and they make you think of your own actions in life.

Parenting is hard

You know, parenting is hard work. I think it must be the hardest job on earth. Although it's very enjoyable most of the time, and the love within a family is one of the most beautiful things ever, at times you feel like pulling your hair out.

Parenting doesn't come with an instruction booklet, oh yes you get those annoying booklets in baby packs for new parents with babies, that tell you how to do things the 'right' way, and yet eventually you find your own 'right' way.

But I have to say one of the hardest stages is the teenage years. The reason for this is, as a parent you find yourself in a situation of needing to let go. As a parent you try so hard to keep your children safe, then the day comes when they turn 18 and think they know it all, and don't need you anymore. Well, they think they don't need you anyway, but really they do.

I'm so proud of all my kids and I love them dearly. Even if at times they think I don't cause I moan at them for things like staying out all night when all I wanted was a simple text or phone call to say all was well, and what he (they) was doing. Oh well, I guess as a parent you have to go through a phase with your kids, and one day you come out the other side and can laugh about it all.